


We Might As Well Be Strangers

by captainamergirl



Category: As the World Turns
Genre: Angst, F/M, Lilden are no more cries, Sad, two part
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:08:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24189409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainamergirl/pseuds/captainamergirl
Summary: They don't know each other anymore... A sad "Lilden" two-shot.
Relationships: Holden Snyder/Lily Walsh
Kudos: 1





	1. We Might As Well Be Strangers

**We Might as Well Be Strangers**  
  
 _~ Holden’s POV ~_  
  
Holden Snyder slowly removed the golden band from around his finger and smashed it into the dirt, quickly covering it with a heap of manure as he pruned his mother’s hedges. Somehow the irony of that act was not lost on him. That’s what his marriage had become after all. Shit.  
  
Just shit.  
  
And he couldn’t exactly pinpoint the moment it all went to pot; he didn’t know who was really to blame although the egotist in him naturally wanted to point at Lily and say, _“this is all on you, Lily; you wrecked us; you brought us to this place, it’s all your fault!”_  
  
But even Holden would have to admit that he had a hand in the crippling of their years-long union. He had pushed her away when she needed him the most and in turn, she had walked out on him. Sure, she returned soon after, but by then the damage was already done. He no longer recognized the woman he had given his heart to the first day he ever saw her when he jumped down from that now-infamous hayloft and saw the brown-haired, brown-eyed girl of his dreams standing there with a look of shock and exasperation on her beautiful face.   
  
_I don't know your face no more  
Or feel your touch that I adore  
I don't know your face no more  
It's just a place I'm looking for _  
  
Her eyes seemed somehow colder now, her body frailer and less familiar, her curves sharper and more defined. Not only did she look different in some ways, she was different. He had felt immediately upon her return that she was trying to manipulate him back into a situation that he wasn’t prepared for. She had tried her damndest to sweep her indiscretion with that now-deceased bastard Dusty Donovan under the rug, and to his credit, he had tried his damndest to get over it.  
  
But it wasn’t enough. Because Holden Snyder no longer knew or trusted the woman he was now married to in name only.   
  
_We might as well be strangers in another town  
We might as well be living in a different world  
We might as well  
We might as well  
We might as well _  
  
He had not entered casually into the affair with his cousin Jack’s ex-wife, Carly, lightly. He had carefully weighed the pros and cons of his decision to invite another woman into his bed and into his arms and into his heart. Somehow unconsciously he must have believed that Carly would save him somehow. Save him from having to face the wreckage that was his marriage. Save him from having to admit that he had failed all over again.   
  
Now he and Lily were ending things for good this time and he didn’t exactly know what to feel because he didn’t exactly know her anymore. He used to be able to finish her sentences and guess what was on her mind by just the twitching of her perfectly tweezed eyebrows, but those days were long gone now.  
  
His marriage to a woman he had spent his life loving and fighting for, and with, was over and he didn’t even know what to feel.   
  
_I don't know your thoughts these days  
We're strangers in an empty space  
I don't understand your heart  
It's easier to be apart_   
  
He did feel regret though. That coursed through his blood like thick tree sap and hung heavy around his heart. Regret for their children who were so devastated over their breakup; regret for going behind Lily’s back and having an affair with her best friend; regret that things had fallen apart so fast …  
  
But in a way, he wanted to believe this was all for the best. That since he and Lily were not the same couple who had found love in the midst of memory loss, returned-from-the-dead-ex-lovers, illegitimate children, family tragedy and so much pain, that he should be relieved it was over.   
  
But he really wasn’t. Not completely.  
  
 _We might as well be strangers in another town  
We might as well be living in a another time  
We might as well  
We might as well  
We might as well be strangers  
Be strangers_  
  
He felt rather than heard her approach him. He turned from his crouch over the rose bush and stood. “What are you doing here?” He asked evenly, wiping his dirt-encrusted hands on the front of his blue denim jeans.   
  
“I brought the kids over to spend the evening with Emma,” she answered. “I saw you out here and I thought for a moment –“  
  
“What? What did you think?” He really had no idea what was on her mind and hadn’t for a long, long time.   
  
Lily’s dark eyes filmed over with tears. She never seemed to stop crying or getting upset these days. She seemed weaker and more frail and needier than she ever had before. He just didn’t know her anymore and in a way, that hurt like hell.  
  
“And I thought we could talk – you know have a civil conversation like the two adults we are supposed to be,” Lily snapped. “Faith asked me to come over and say ‘hello’ to you and now I realize what a mistake that was.”  
  
She began to turn away but Holden grabbed for her hand, pulling her back towards him. To his surprise, a brief electric shock shot through the pads of his fingertips up his arm at the feel of her skin under his. That part of their life together still felt familiar at least. He still reacted to her like he never had reacted to another woman before or since meeting her.  
  
“Wait, just wait,” he said. “I don’t want to fight with you right now.”  
  
She crossed her slender arms over her small but firm bosom. “I don’t either.”  
  
“I just don’t have the energy anymore, Lily, to fight with you; to carry on and pretend we can be what we used to be –“  
  
“I know,” Lily nodded. “I know. I don’t either. I will send the divorce papers over later with my lawyer.”  
  
Holden nodded but didn’t speak. He knew it was for the best. They weren’t LilyandHolden anymore; they were just Lily and Holden now. Two people. Two people who might as well have been strangers for all of the distance between them.  
  
“I’m sorry, Holden, I’m really sorry,” she said. “I never would have expected it to end this way. I didn’t want it to. But at some point we just stopped being US and we made mistakes. I can admit that I made a ton of them too. But I really can’t shoulder that blame alone anymore. It isn’t fair to me and it isn’t fair to the memories of what we used to have together.”  
  
He nodded. “I know.”  
  
Lily wiped her tear streaked face. “I wish you would fight for me, Holden, god I still wish it every moment of every day but I know we’ve come too far to turn back now.”  
  
“I am not going to argue with that, Lily, because it’s true.”  
  
She sighed. “Holden, when did we stop being happy together? When did we stop being enough for each other? When did we stop being us?”   
  
Holden looked into her eyes. “I don’t know. I guess when I didn’t recognize the woman you were anymore and when I became the man you resented and thought was holding you back.”  
  
“So this is all on me again?” she demanded.  
  
“No. I just … Lily, its over,” he said quietly. “I can’t keep going on like this anymore.”  
  
“I know, Holden, god don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think you’ve beaten that into my head enough by now?”  
  
“Then why are we still fighting over this?”  
  
“Because it hurts, Holden, because it cuts me. I loved you – I still love you - and I realize that I can no longer be the woman that you need and it makes me feel so angry and bitter. My heart is broken.”  
  
“You think I’m not hurt, Lily? You think I haven’t cried over this at least a few times myself? That I’m not angry or as heartbroken as you are?”  
  
“I know you are but right now it’s just too hard to see past my own pain. I’m sorry but it’s true. All I want now is for peace between us for our children’s sake.”  
  
“I feel the same way.”  
  
“Finally we agree on something then,” she said and started to walk away. She was halfway across the yard when she suddenly turned to look back at him. “The Holden Snyder I once knew wouldn’t have walked away so easily from our life together; he would have fought for us. You claim not to know who I am anymore, Holden, and I feel the same way because I don’t recognize you anymore either.”  
  
Then she turned and walked away, leaving Holden to contemplate the truth. She wasn’t the only one who had changed irrevocably when the other wasn’t looking; they both had. Now their past life together was over and there was no going back.  
  
 _For all I know of you now  
For all I know of you now  
For all I know of you now  
For all I know_


	2. Home Ain't Where His Heart Is (Anymore)

**Home Ain't Where His Heart Is (Anymore)**  
  
 _~ Lily's POV during Harly affair ~_  
  
Lily Walsh-Snyder stared at her wedding ring as she rocked herself back and forth, back and forth, in her husband's favorite arm chair, staring out the window at the empty night sky. The phantom embers had left the stars unlit tonight much as her life had ceased to radiate that light that used to wrap around her very body and soul and make her feel loved and wanted and desired and appreciated.   
  
_He knew how to reach me deep inside  
And he found a part of me I could not hide  
And we'd walk and talk and touch tenderly  
Then he'd lay me down and make love to me   
We built a love so strong and couldn't break  
There was not a road we were afraid to take_  
  
She could not help but remember a time not too long ago when Holden was here every night, holding her and cradling her in his arms long after they had made love. They used to steal away into the bedroom for hours and talk about everything from their hopes and their desires to their dreams and their fears. There was never a topic that was off limits to them. Now they rarely talked at all and when they did, their words were always tinged with anger and venom.   
  
She knew where he was tonight. He was with Her. Her ex-best friend, her ex-soul sister. They had been so close for so long, had sworn to each other that nothing would ever come between them, especially a man, and they had both lied. Much like she and Holden had lied time and time again when they promised there would never be anyone else for them but each other.   
  
But things had not been the same in awhile, they both had just been too stubborn to admit it.  
  
 _But he don't feel the same  
Since our lives became  
Years of bills, babies and chains_   
  
She knew Holden didn't feel the same way about her anymore. He never looked at her like he used to, like the day he had looked at her when he jumped down from that hayloft and right into her aching heart and promised to heal it. They had both lied because they weren't everything to each other anymore. Not even close. She still loved him with all her heart but when did she get to walk out like he had and say "enough is enough"? She had done the wrong thing so many times herself and this was karmic payback in someone's mind but she didn't think she could stand the silence and the stillness and the air peppered with anger and vitriol anymore. This was her home, it was supposed to be their home, and yet it was just a house made of nothing but mortar and tears now.  
  
 _Home ain't where his heart is anymore  
He may hang his hat behind our bedroom door  
But he don't lay his head down to love me like before  
Home ain't where his heart is anymore _  
  
She wondered if there was some way she could make him love her again. Even as she hated and loathed herself for wanting him to do that. She wanted him to come back to her because he cared about her, not because she forced him to care. She wanted her fairytale life with Holden back, wanted to change the ending she saw coming, and yet knew she couldn't. That by holding on so tightly to what used to be; she was only driving him away more and more.  
  
 _If foundations made of stone can turn to dust  
Then the hardest hearts of steel can turn to rust  
If he could only find that feeling once again  
If we could only change the way the story ends_  
  
The door opened and he was suddenly standing there. She expected to see some remorse on his face, some kind of guilt that they both knew where had been but he showed none of that. He just hung his Stetson on the back of the door and walked further into the house, murmuring a simple, "Hello." A "hello" that was empty and hollow of any emotion or feeling. The kind of greeting you would sling at a casual acquaintance you passed in the street, not the woman who had given you children and been your life for so many years...  
  
 _And he may still come home  
But I live here alone  
The love that built these walls is gone   
  
Home ain't where his heart is anymore  
He may hang his hat behind our bedroom door  
But he don't lay his head down to love me like before_  
  
But dammit, didn't she deserve better than that? Didn't she? If nothing else, she was the mother of his children. Why couldn't he at least feign some feeling for her? Why, damn him, why?  
  
She followed him into the kitchen and looked him square in the eye as he turned around to face her. "I know where you've been, Holden," she said. "I know where you have been 'sleeping' tonight - or with whom, should I say."  
  
"Lily ..."  
  
"No, let me talk. Please, you owe me that much."  
  
"I owe you?" He spat, looking angry all over again. "I OWE you?! After all you've done?!"  
  
She shook her head. "Please don't argue with me. I just want to say my piece and then you make up your mind."  
  
"About what?"   
  
"Whether you want to stay or go - really go. Leave this house forever. Because I can't remain in limbo anymore. Neither can the kids. They don't deserve it. God knows, I have screwed up a million and one times at least but I am still your wife and I deserve better than this. For you to be sneaking around - no you're not even sneaking; it's blatant what you're doing - with my so-called best friend. I cheated on you, and you can hate me for that forever, but I can't be like this anymore. You either stay here and make this marriage work with me by your side or you leave and don't come back."  
  
"Nice way to issue ultimatums, Lily," he snapped.  
  
"Holden, don't you see? I deserve better than this. The kids deserve better than what you and I are giving them. You also deserve better than this so please be straight with me now. Tell me the truth. Can we make this work or is it time to just walk away?"  
  
He looked at her long and hard and then his expression slackened a bit. "Lily, I want to work things out for the kids at least. So I'll stay. I'll stop seeing Carly. I'll stop trying to feel whole if that's what you want."  
  
Lily shook her head and more tears sprung to her eyes. She willed them back as she thought over his words. He had said that he would stay for the kids but could she live with that? Could she live with the angry silences and the muttered assurances of love that no longer meant anything?   
  
She sighed. "Fine, Holden, stay," she said. "We'll work on this ... for the kids."  
  
He nodded and she watched as he silently moved past her and headed for the bedroom. She railed at herself to take it back, to send him away, but in the end she knew that she was at a place in her life where she would crumble without him even though she had lost him long ago ...  
  
 _He don't lay his head down to love me like before  
Home ain't where his heart is anymore  
No, home ain't where his heart is_  
  
  
THE END


End file.
